Social Media Has Taught Us A New Way To Treat Each Other — And It’s Mostly Wrong

It’s pretty clear now — 14 or so years in — that social media has demonstrated its power to profoundly alter the rules of the road in the way people treat each other.

It didn’t start out with that intention. Young people eagerly latched onto it to brag about the things young people are proud of: the number of friends they have, how much they can drink, how good-looking they are and so on.

Things started getting weird when mature people began using this dorm culture-inspired young folks’ tool to brag about things older folks are proud of: their grand kids, vacations they’ve taken, their boats, second homes and so on.

Businesses saw the commercial potential to put product information in front of millions of eye-balls. This led to a wacky amalgam where marketing and advertising initiatives fueled what was essentially a non-business clearing house for ideas. The “communities” fostered and enabled by social media thus began to combine childish voyeurism with cynical and manipulative goals like “drafting influencers.”

So now everyone’s an amateur marketer, using business tools to hawk “content” to their “target market” of family, friends and acquaintances. And this spills over to non-internet communications as well.

It’s true that some youthful early adopters, fed-up with being crowded out of their special space by wanna-be’s their parents’ age, are leaving those spaces in search of new ones. And others say they want out too. Articles are popping up everywhere with titles like “Here’s What Happened When I Gave Up Social Media.”

But whether we stay in or swear off it — we’re stuck with some acquired counterproductive social media-inspired beliefs and conventions (i.e., bad habits) that require corrective action:

“I have a following and, in that way, I’m kind of like a celebrity.” Not really. Celebrities have traditionally valued their private life. They don’t treat their family members and close friends the same way they treat their fans. Unlike celebrities, regular people have used social media to turn friends and acquaintances into a “fan club” and subject them to the same relentless torrent of promotional hype celebrities restrict to their fans. It encourages the development of “personal brands” leading to actions geared to attracting “eye-balls,” establishing “shelf space,” and “messaging” that, while appropriate in the mercantile promotion of celebrities and consumer products, morph into soul-damaging egoistic and self-centered attitudes and behaviors when applied to real interpersonal relationships.

“Whatever pops into my mind is worth sharing.” Before social media, it seemed worthwhile to “gather our thoughts” before letting loose with an opinion. The limitations of technology forced lag-time for initial thoughts to evolve before we shared anything with anyone. By contrast, the immediacy of social media allows you to type a random thought and hit Send in a matter of seconds. Are you ever that sure of what you want to say you don’t care how it happens to land with the other person, regardless of how her day’s been going or what else is on his mind?

“This is what I think, and I dare you to disagree.” Interpersonal communication used to be about sharing a little, seeing how it lands with the other person, listening to and watching their response and seeing how that reinforces or alters your original thinking. We didn’t know the direction a conversation would go until it got going. And that seemed fine with everyone but the most calculating and manipulative souls among us. People seemed content to let things come up naturally and organically. By contrast, the “blast sharing” encouraged by social media fosters the taking of a position up front and daring others to disagree.

“I should tell everyone the same things, at the same time and in the same way.” What happened to being selective about what you say, and when and to whom? Do you really want to tell the same things to any two people?

It’s time for a new post-social media manifesto on how to treat and communicate with each other — sort of a pledge that includes thoughts like:

• I will think before I post. Not everything is worth sharing.
• I respect the right of others to refrain from telling me things they tell others. (I can live without always being “in the loop” about the comings and goings of everyone I know.)
• I will be as open to being influenced by others as I am trying to influence them.

The first step in the direction of healing our frayed communications with each other will be to develop a heightened awareness of the effect of social media on our actions and behaviors — on and off the keyboard.